I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Randomize
