i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
I have feelings that need drinking.
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
Randomize
