if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
Randomize
