just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
