Do you think you have hit the lowest point in your life when you find yourself actually condisering watching the movie "Gigli"?
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
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