So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
Randomize
