last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
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