I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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