you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
Randomize
