He is such a slut. More and more my type.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
2020 sucks, I want a refund
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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