she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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