I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
Well, as a member of the greater american southwest gay community I just have to mark this as a total loss and you will be missed.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
Randomize
