woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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