The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
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You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
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The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!