From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
29 Frat Parties That Got Way Too Out Of Control
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
15 Ridiculous Ways Broke People Managed to Make a Buck
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest