If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
He got tattooed, peirced, and we're pretty sure he got rufeed by that fat chick. He was like a walking spring break stereotype.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
