I wanna passion pit in your ass
I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
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In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
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