I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
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I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
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WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
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