i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
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