i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
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thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
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After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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