Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
theyre selling pepper spray in the courtyard. hellooo atl
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
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