my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize
