I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
I frew up on some kids lovely sidealk chald drawings..
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
