his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
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