Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey