Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Randomize
