I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
the girl next to me in class is drawing a guy banging a chick doggy style...its very detailed
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
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