No awkward lesbian experiences without me
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
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