His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
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He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
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I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
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