I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Randomize
