im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
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