I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
I did not marry a roomba.
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