you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
We've shared an experience, my friend. I, too, have talked on the phone with a parent while giving a handjob
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
Share, now.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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