my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
Randomize
