if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
Randomize
