last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
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if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
just taught 3 girls from korea how to fist pump on chat roulette.
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
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he's hot he just has too much baggage, and has really fucking skinny ankles which freaks me out
you aren't having sex with his ankles, As long as knee caps and above are good, i'd go for it
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
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