I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
Randomize
