It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
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