the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
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