Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
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you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
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