Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
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strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
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Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.