im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
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So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
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btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?