All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.