history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
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