I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Randomize
