don't get me wrong, i like my boss a lot, but not enough to not bang his daughter
My cat gives me a boner
It was as awful as eating cow testicles on fear factor and not winning and realizing you ate balls for nothing.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN