I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
21 People Confess Their Craziest Online Dating Experience
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
These 27 Hilarious People Wrote Their Own Obituaries
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.