I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
at a bonfire and someone threw a plastic cup in the fire. everyone immediately stopped what they were doing to yell collectively at him about what he was doing to the environment, then went back to drinking
only in oregon
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?