A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
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I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
This Girl’s Unbelievable Catfish Story Will Make You Rethink Online Dating
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?