I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
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