you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
The ass gains better be worth it
Randomize
