from now on my penis is your penis
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
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