your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
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I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
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Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
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