I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
Randomize
