i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
your like the ambassador to my penis.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
