i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
Randomize
